Please understand that everything written here is entirely in my head and probably not consisting of rational thought.
On Wednesday’s we have staff meetings to get updates, information, and have discussions. Generally it’s helpful to get the info and then move on with the rest of the tasks for the day. This week we had to do something different. They asked us to “pair up” with someone else who we felt comfortable talking to, but someone who doesn’t know the “whole story” about you. (The 2nd guideline was because we have some staff members married or related to each other).
For the most part, I consider myself a friendly person and I usually like having conversations with people, especially like the one assigned that day. But the moment we all had to stand up in the auditorium and find a partner, it’s like I just froze in place. I couldn’t find a single person to connect with. I’m a band director. The only one in the building. There’s no one else like me. There’s no one that gets me. I felt lonely in a crowded room. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the intention of the exercise and I feel bad that it is how I took it.
It’s not anyone’s fault. Really it isn’t. Folks were just trying to get their assignment done and I just stood there… dazed. But in that moment I was an island. Such a massive disconnect from everything around me. I’d been feeling this way for a while now – thank you hybrid teaching – and usually it comes and goes and is tolerable. But this time… it hit. Hard. I haven’t been able to recover since.
I can feel myself retreating. I can hear my brain being irrational. When I send out multiple messages to people to get things completed I don’t understand that everyone else is struggling too and can’t meet deadlines. That I’m not just talking to no one. No matter how much it feels like it.
Today I went searching for the paperwork to resign. I hate that I even typed that.
I cannot talk to anyone about this. I actually tried today, but just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open up. It’s not something people would really want to talk about on a Friday afternoon. What’s the point anyway? Anyone you connect with today could be quarantined tomorrow and you won’t see them again for two weeks. It’s hard for anything to be consistent.
I read today that the CDC gave out clear guidelines for districts to return to in-person learning. That’s so great to hear on February 12th when I’ve been teaching in-person since *checks notes* …August. Here’s another irrational thought for my brain:
I’m not vaccinated and (while I really want to be happy for others who are) I cannot help but be a little upset that I’m STILL not vaccinated. It’s like every message they send to us about vaccinations, I immediately click yes…yes…yes….if I have to walk around with my sleeve up saying, please inject me so that I can get back to normal, I will do that.
I’m a 39 year old woman with no real serious health issues, so yeah, I’m not on any priority list. I’m just a plain old teacher. I REFUSE to cut in line and will wait my turn. But I’m terrified everyday of going into work thinking that today might be the day I get it. The constant state of stress has worn me completely down.
Teaching band right now is like trying to run a marathon on jello. There’s no solid surface that you can hold on to. You are just trying to keep going and never really feeling like you got anywhere. Teaching an entire week’s worth of information in one class is exhausting. I think the worst part is that I’ve spent the better part of 13 years trying to build this program and establish something. In my doomsday mind, I’m imagining that I’ll have to start back at square one. However, in reality it’s that the forward momentum that we’ve had over the last few years has come to a standstill. I look back on the ridiculously long days, the sleepless nights, the frustration, the tears, all of the things that I went through to get here and I just think…do I even have it in me to keep going?
The answer is…I really don’t know right now. Luckily I have the weekend to recharge with the person I feel most comfortable pairing up with. My wife.
carriesplaylist 