Hammers vs Axes

Things that shouldn’t be attempted online:

1. Band rehearsals
2. Responding to comments from a random strangers
3. Life in general

Look, I’m not the best teacher out there – truthfully, I can’t even hold a candle to a lot of the amazing educators in my building. I’m not confident enough to think that I am that amazing at my job that I can label myself an authority figure. Like many others out there, I’m just doing the best I can with what I have, in the time that I have. I tell my students often that if you can genuinely say you’ve done your best, what else is there? I think the same for myself….for the most part….except when I’m tough on myself….which is basically everyday…. every waking minute. Okay, moving on.

What I can tell you is that I’m very goal oriented. I live for the next challenge. I relish in the next step…the moving forward…the great beyond…whatever you want to call it. That’s what I love. The cool thing about being a teacher is that every year you get a fresh start. A chance to improve and try again. It’s a new class (for the most part – I teach band, so it’s often similar kids). Honestly I treat every semester as a fresh start and that helps even more.

I like the idea that even in the middle of the year I can call an audible and try something different that might work better. It might not, but hey – I’m trying here.

Shoutout to my home team…(Super Bowl still stings tho)

So let’s say, if I were to describe myself as a teacher, I’m the kind of person who likes setting goals and meeting them. I’m the kind of person who has a hard time sleeping at night if my goals aren’t met. I’m also the kind of person who is always making a new timeline and updating it so that my students can peak at just the right time. I’d like to think all teachers know pacing really well, but I can confidently tell you that band directors have this skill ON LOCK.

For the sake of making sense out of this blog post (good luck), I’m going to use an analogy that my wife has used with me before.

I am a teacher who lives to meet goals and standards. If you were to call meeting the standard “chopping down a tree” then consider teachers a “lumberjack”. Honestly, I’d say I’m pretty good at chopping down trees. No matter how big, I’m going to do everything I can to get that tree down. I live for the moment that the tree comes down. I stay up at night thinking about new ways to get the tree to come down. Or how much more I’m going to chop away at it the next day. I refuse to stop until that damn tree comes down.

Sometimes it can feel like I’m trying to chop down these trees armed with only a hammer.

Still, I refuse to quit hacking away at that tree. I will continue to lose sleep at night trying to come up with ways to get that tree down. I won’t stop until that tree is down. I cannot move forward unless that tree falls.

Me with my hammer

Imagine how much better I could be… if I had an axe.

Imagine how much happier I would be… if I had an axe.

Imagine how much easier I could get that tree down… if I had an axe.

To my covid teaching friends out there….please know that you are a great educator. The tree will come down just like it always does. I’m sorry that you have hammers instead of axes, but keep hacking away. Bit by bit, we will get there. That tree is going to come down somehow.

Pairing Up

Please understand that everything written here is entirely in my head and probably not consisting of rational thought.

On Wednesday’s we have staff meetings to get updates, information, and have discussions. Generally it’s helpful to get the info and then move on with the rest of the tasks for the day. This week we had to do something different. They asked us to “pair up” with someone else who we felt comfortable talking to, but someone who doesn’t know the “whole story” about you. (The 2nd guideline was because we have some staff members married or related to each other).

For the most part, I consider myself a friendly person and I usually like having conversations with people, especially like the one assigned that day. But the moment we all had to stand up in the auditorium and find a partner, it’s like I just froze in place. I couldn’t find a single person to connect with. I’m a band director. The only one in the building. There’s no one else like me. There’s no one that gets me. I felt lonely in a crowded room. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the intention of the exercise and I feel bad that it is how I took it.

It’s not anyone’s fault. Really it isn’t. Folks were just trying to get their assignment done and I just stood there… dazed. But in that moment I was an island. Such a massive disconnect from everything around me. I’d been feeling this way for a while now – thank you hybrid teaching – and usually it comes and goes and is tolerable. But this time… it hit. Hard. I haven’t been able to recover since.

I can feel myself retreating. I can hear my brain being irrational. When I send out multiple messages to people to get things completed I don’t understand that everyone else is struggling too and can’t meet deadlines. That I’m not just talking to no one. No matter how much it feels like it.

Today I went searching for the paperwork to resign. I hate that I even typed that.

I cannot talk to anyone about this. I actually tried today, but just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open up. It’s not something people would really want to talk about on a Friday afternoon. What’s the point anyway? Anyone you connect with today could be quarantined tomorrow and you won’t see them again for two weeks. It’s hard for anything to be consistent.

I read today that the CDC gave out clear guidelines for districts to return to in-person learning. That’s so great to hear on February 12th when I’ve been teaching in-person since *checks notes* …August. Here’s another irrational thought for my brain:

I’m not vaccinated and (while I really want to be happy for others who are) I cannot help but be a little upset that I’m STILL not vaccinated. It’s like every message they send to us about vaccinations, I immediately click yes…yes…yes….if I have to walk around with my sleeve up saying, please inject me so that I can get back to normal, I will do that.

I’m a 39 year old woman with no real serious health issues, so yeah, I’m not on any priority list. I’m just a plain old teacher. I REFUSE to cut in line and will wait my turn. But I’m terrified everyday of going into work thinking that today might be the day I get it. The constant state of stress has worn me completely down.

Teaching band right now is like trying to run a marathon on jello. There’s no solid surface that you can hold on to. You are just trying to keep going and never really feeling like you got anywhere. Teaching an entire week’s worth of information in one class is exhausting. I think the worst part is that I’ve spent the better part of 13 years trying to build this program and establish something. In my doomsday mind, I’m imagining that I’ll have to start back at square one. However, in reality it’s that the forward momentum that we’ve had over the last few years has come to a standstill. I look back on the ridiculously long days, the sleepless nights, the frustration, the tears, all of the things that I went through to get here and I just think…do I even have it in me to keep going?

The answer is…I really don’t know right now. Luckily I have the weekend to recharge with the person I feel most comfortable pairing up with. My wife.